At The Funny Farm

Ruben sat at the table holding a photo in each hand, a goofy smile on his face. When Ray came in and saw him sitting there he just knew it was gonna get random. That’s how it often was with Ruben, you could bet on it. Still, what else was there to do?

Ray strolled over to the table feigning a casual attitude. “So?”

Ruben didn’t seem to hear. He continued looking at the photos, dreamy and lost. He glanced up a moment later. “Oh, hey Ray!”

Ray gave him the look. “Like I said, so?”

“So what?”

“Yeah, so what, that’s what.” Ray was getting exasperated. “What’s with the pictures, Bliss Puppy?”

“Why you always callin’ me that?”

“On account of because you’ve always got that dopey look on your face, that’s why.” He glared defiantly and crossed his arms.

Ruben thought it over. Maybe Ray needed some hard truth. “You wanna know what these are pictures of? Fine, i’ll tell ya.” He put the photos down on the table facing Ray. Stabbing his finger at one he said, “you know what that is? Do you recognize it?”

Ray looked at the photo. “It’s a donut. So?”

Bliss Puppy smiled triumphantly. “Oh, it’s not just a donut. That’s a picture of the best damn donut that ever existed. That donut will live in infamy!”

Ruben was just warming up. “You see this other picture, that’s me licking a bowl, isn’t it?” He didn’t wait for confirmation. “Can you guess why i’m licking this bowl? Well i’ll tell you why! Because that donut was in that bowl. Along with some other donuts. But you know what? Those donuts were crap compared to this donut. This one was at the bottom. It was the last one.”

His eyes gleamed with an joyful light. “That’s right, I saved the best for last!” He was waving his arms frantically. “And I told them, I told them good, i’m gonna lick this bowl until I can’t taste that donut no more. Nobody is gonna stop me, that’s what I told ’em!”

He leaned forward and fixed Ray with both eyes. “I told ’em they could have that bowl when they could pry it from my cold, dead fingers!” He sat back triumphantly and smirked at Ray’s dour expression.

“Anyway, you’re just jealous because you didn’t get any of the donuts. I was too fast for you! And now you’re gonna have to live with that for the rest of your life!” He made a face and then, at the top of his lungs, “So neener, neener, neener!”

Ray turned bright red and flecks of foam formed at the corners of his mouth. “Oh yeah?! Well what makes you think I even care about your damned donut? Maybe I don’t even like donuts, did you ever think about that? Maybe I think only morons eat donuts! Morons and…and…Bliss Puppies!” He pointed his finger at Ruben in triumph and howled in glee.

Ruben frowned and sat there stewing. Suddenly he jumped up. “You’re a liar, Ray! You love donuts! I know you do. You live for donuts. You’re just saying that because I ate all the donuts, including the infamous donut and I licked the bowl and you didn’t! That’s the truth, you’re just a big liar!”

He glared hard at Ray, who sat stone-faced. “I licked the bowl, Ray. I licked it real good. I could taste that donut for a long time. And you know what? I can still taste that donut. It was sooooo good. Oh, yum!” He rubbed his stomach with an ecstatic look.

Ray jumped up, leaned over and hissed in Ruben’s ear. “You’re a fruitcake, Ruben. You never ate that donut. You never ate any of those donuts. Those aren’t even your pictures. You stole them, didn’t you Ruben?”

Ruben grinned. “That’s me in the picture licking the bowl, Ray.”

Ray looked at the picture again. “No it isn’t. It doesn’t even look like you. I didn’t wanna say, but then you started going on about it. That’s not you. You’re a liar.”

They were both on their feet now, in each other’s faces, accusations flying, voices rising. An orderly came running into the day room and shook his head at the scene as the other patients pretended not to notice yet another stoush between the two combatants.

The orderly got out his walkie talkie. “Better send a couple of jackets down to the day room, they’re at it again. He sighed and waded into the middle of the fight.


2 responses to “At The Funny Farm

  1. I’m still shaking my head… this was good. I never saw it coming.

  2. godlessmonkey

    Kinda like a stealth condom, eh? 😉

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