The Agony And The Irony

I really like Pink Floyd songs. Bernie don’t like Pink Floyd. I guess that’s why he gets sore with me when I start humming anything by them. Fuck him, that’s what I say. I like Pink Floyd. Maybe it’s because when I was a kid I could see the dark side of the moon.

See, when I was young I always liked layin’ in my bed before I went to sleep and lookin’ out the window at the stars and stuff. One night when the moon was full I realized if I looked real hard I could I could see the dark side. It made me happy. My mother ridiculed me when I told her. It was like that. I ain’t never had much to live for.

Anyway, when I first heard Dark Side Of The Moon it was like it was meant for me. So I like to sing Pink Floyd songs. Hey Bernie, wish you were here. Bernie wouldn’t like that either. What a guy.

I guess I should introduce myself, on account of I don’t wanna be rude or nothin’. My name is Hank. Sometimes people call me Hankster. See, I like to play tricks on people, so somewhere along the line I became Hankster the Prankster.

Lots of people think I ain’t so quick in the uptake. I like that, see, because it means they…what’s that word? Oh yeah, underestimate me. I can get over that way. Bernie pointed that out to me. Sometimes he’s okay.

I’m writin’ all this down on account of I just wanted to say some stuff just in case. It’s not like I care all that much what people think but I like to cover my bases. It’s lucky I had some paper in my pocket and this old pencil. Otherwise nobody might never know the things I’m sayin’ here.

See, what it is, I mean, here’s the deal. I ain’t so sure I’m gonna be around much longer. See, I played a joke on Bernie. Well, I do that a lot, but I think maybe I mighta gone too far this time. Bernie bought this lottery ticket a few days ago and then yesterday he comes to me all jumpin’ up and down and stuff and says he’s won like ten thousand dollars. I was real happy for him and all, but well, you know, I’m Hankster the Prankster.

So anyway, I waited till he was sleepin’ and I took his lottery ticket and I hid it. I almost forgot I did that, but Bernie knew right away it musta been me on account of he comes and knocks me out cold and then I wake up here.

Only I don’t know where here is, but I gotta tell ya, it ain’t good. See, I’m trapped in some kinda box thing is what I think. Boy does my head hurt. I don’t know what he hit me with but I’m throbbin’ somethin’ fierce. There’s a small hole I can sorta see out of, and I’m gonna push this note out for someone to find when I’m done. I’ve tried to get out, but it’s sealed real good. Screamin’ ain’t doin’ nothin’ either. I’m gettin’ real scared is what.

The thing is, I can smell smoke. I got a real bad feelin’. It’s startin’ to get real hot in here too. That Bernie’s got a real bad temper. He told me lots of times he was gonna kill me if I didn’t stop, but I gotta be me, you know?

Anyway, I got nothin’ to live for so what do I care. That Bernie. What an asshole. But you know what? I still get the last laugh. Bernie’s gonna be lookin’ everywhere for that lottery ticket but he ain’t never gonna find it. The lottery ticket is in my shoe.


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