Yesterday I cheated Death, and I’ve gotta tell ya, it felt very, very good. I’d been wanting to do it for so long, but frankly I’m not very brave. Okay, okay, I’m a wimp. There, I said it. Only, maybe now I’m not such a wimp, ya know? How many people can say they’ve cheated Death? Nobody I know, that’s for sure.
Anyway, my name is Andy. I live here in Encino with my roommate Bull. Well, that’s what he calls himself anyway. I don’t know his real name. It’s not like he ever gets any mail or anything, and the lease is in my name, so he’s just Bull. I asked him his given name once and he told me to do something anatomically impossible. Well, for me it is anyway. I’ve heard rumours about a video where some guy actually…well, never mind.
So yeah, that gives you an idea of how Bull is. I didn’t really want him living here, but I can’t afford the rent all by myself and I put an advertisement on the cork board at the supermarket and Bull showed up and said he was movin’ in.
Okay, so I guess I kinda got off on a tangent there. You’re probably wonderin’ how it is that I came to cheat Death. Let me start at the beginning.
Death showed up at my door about six months ago. It’s a day I’ll never forget. He had the most evil looking eyes I’d ever seen. He scared the hell out of me, is what. I knew right away Death wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I tried reason. Hell, I even tried begging after awhile, but things aren’t exactly ideal around here. I guess you could say my luck isn’t all that good.
Anyway, it didn’t take long for Death to have the run of the place. I became a prisoner in my own home. Humiliating is what it was. Being as how I’m between jobs I had a lot of time to start thinking about ways to get rid of Death.
One thing I thought of was getting Bull to move out. I knew if I could get rid of Bull then Death would follow. I tell ya, I was so desperate I did things like not showerin’ for a couple of weeks at a time, and leavin’ all the dirty dishes in the sink but nothin’ worked. Fact is Bull is a bigger slob than me no matter what.
Then the other day it came to me. There’s a gang house down the block from us and Bull don’t get along with those guys at all. I got to thinkin’ and it all just sorta came to me. Those guys had a Pit Bull they were really proud of, only a car hit it last week and nobody knows who it was that killed it. So I screwed up my courage and went down there, and well, I told them a little story.
Guys like that always got to take revenge, you know? So when Bull got home that evening I was sittin’ in the kitchen lookin’ real upset. I can act when I need to. He comes in the kitchen and gives me the hairy eyeball.
“What’s your story, chump? Somethin’ wrong?”
“Oh Bull,” I says, “It’s really bad man. Really bad.”
He starts looking around the room and then he gets in my face.
“Where’s my Rottweiler, man?”
I put on my best sad face.
“Death ain’t around no more, Bull. I don’t know what happened.”