Calling Doctor Howard – Part 5

crazydoctorGodless Monkey will be away on a photo expedition of Mexico, Central America and Columbia from March 19th to April 20th. I’m running some of my old stories in my absence for your enjoyment.

Marvin stepped in the room and beamed at the frail elderly man sitting on a chair. Leaning down beside him he shouted in his ear.

“How are we today? Can you hear me?”

The old man, startled, jumped in his seat. “What’s the matter with you? I’m not deaf. Why are you shouting at me?”

Marvin nodded. “Ah, good then, it’s not your hearing. How are your eyes? How many fingers am I holding up?”

The old man gaped at him. “Doctor, what the hell are you doing? I came here to talk to someone about incontinence. Are you the urologist?”

“Indeed I am. Doctor Pissoir at your service. And you are?”

“What? What did you just say? Look, I want another doctor, what kind of place is this?”

Marvin was having none of it. “Tut, tut, we’re very short staffed today, you’ll find me to be very competent. Let’s just discuss your little problem, shall we?”

The old man was dubious, but relented. “Well…I’m getting on in years, you see, and sometimes I don’t quite make it to the bathroom and…well, you know…”

Marvin nodded knowingly. “Yes, it’s not uncommon. Let’s try something here. Stand up please.”

The old man got to his feet.

“Good. Now I want you to stand on your right foot and bend your left knee. While you’re doing that I want you put your left hand on top of your head and recite the alphabet please.”

“What?! What the hell is that supposed to prove?”

“Come now, just do as I say, I’m the professional here. Let’s not waste any more time, shall we? There’s a good man.”

Reluctantly, the old man did as he was bid.

“Excellent! Now I want you to go home and practice this. It should solve your problem. Every time you need to urinate, do this procedure and hop to the toilet as you do. I think you’ll find you’ll make it there with no further problems.”

“What?! Are you out of your mind? What kind of hospital is this? I demand to speak to the person in charge, this is outrageous!”

Marvin shook his head. “I am in charge here, sir, and I really must insist that you not use that tone of voice. I’m trying to help you.”

The old man grabbed his coat and headed for the door. “I don’t know why my general practitioner sent me here, but I’m going to have words with him about this. You haven’t heard the last of me!”

Marvin watched him storm down the hall to the exit. There’s just no helping some people he decided. Best not to waste time on those who didn’t deserve it. He moved along the hall looking for his next patient. Finding no one else in need of his services on the ward he decided it might be time to visit the inpatients and see where else he could be of assistance. He studied the board and learned that the oncology ward was on the seventh floor. Cancer. Yes, definitely right up his alley. Surely he could lighten the suffering of those battling that most dreaded of diseases.

Taking the elevator up he clasped his hands behind his back and felt a surge of satisfaction well up inside. It’s good to be me, he thought.

Tomorrow, Part 6

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