Communal Dysfunction

Byron pulled into the driveway of the dilapidated flat and cut the motor of his hog. He took off his helmet and his ears were assaulted by 90 decibels of Molly Hatchet’s Flirtin’ With Disaster. The irony was not lost on him.

He let out a sigh as he turned the key in the door, walked in and surveyed the scene. It was time for a little heart to heart.

Alex and Danny were sprawled out on the sofa. Pizza boxes and beer cans littered the floor and dirty laundry hung from every available surface. Amongst the porn magazines and overflowing ashtrays on the coffee table sat a bong with wisps of smoke still trailing from it.

Byron cut the power to the stereo and glared at his roommates. Alex opened one blood shot eye and struggled to a sitting position. Danny followed suit.

“Hey Byron. Back from you trip up north, eh bro? Has it been a week already?”

“Yeah, Alex, it’s been a week.”

He surveyed the room once more the sat down in the beaten up Lazy Boy that completed the living room suite.

“So how was the trip man?” Danny asked through the fog in his brain.

“Oh, it was good Danny. Hey, guys, do you like stories?”

Danny and Alex looked at each other and shrugged.

“Um, sure Byron. What kind of stories?”

“Fairy tales, Alex.”

“Oh wow man. I haven’t heard one of those since I was a kid.”

Byron nodded.

“Well I’m gonna tell you one right now. Are you both listening?”

They nodded dully in unison and leaned back into the sofa.

Bryon leaned forward in his seat and began.

“Well you see, once upon a time there were three animals who got together and made a pact to help each other. They made a home and they agreed to share all the work and responsibilities so that they could have a great life live happily ever after.”

“Oh yeah, cool, happily ever after, I heard of that part, man.”

Danny giggled and then shut up as Bryon gave him a look.

“So anyway, things were good for awhile but then two of the animals – “

“Um, what kinda animals were they Byron?”

“They were pigs, Alex, two of them anyway. So like I was saying, two of the animals, the pigs that is, started slacking off. You might say they got lazy. You might say weren’t pulling their weight. Hell, you might even say they were a couple of useless fuckin’ half-wits who promised the guy who keeps a roof over their shit-filled heads while they sit around dealin’ dope that they would clean up the goddamn flat while he was gone and then didn’t do it.”

Byron was on his feet now standing over them as they cowered on the sofa wishing they could disappear. They both stared at the throbbing vein on his left temple. They had seen it before. It was not good.

“Um…does the fairytale have a happy ending Byron?”

Alex punched Danny in the arm and glared at him.

Byron leaned over until he was in their faces.

“That all depends on what the pigs do next.”

An hour later when Bryon returned the flat was spotless.

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4 responses to “Communal Dysfunction

  1. Monica McLaughlin

    I can relate to this. My problem is that I live alone and the pig is me! I talk and talk to myself until I am blue in the face yet the apartment remains a cluttered mess. I will try threats now.

    • godlessmonkey

      Well then you should give you a good talking to! Either that or wear blinders when you go home.

  2. Yo Bro…Damn, somebody needs to call “Clean House”….C H Wyatt here, over at a new blog. Holla back…..ps…I KNOW MR. CLEAN!

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