Inside Reginald’s Pants

Reginald stood outside the bar and stared at the door. This was it. His night. How many times had he dreamed of this day? Am I not the man he asked himself? The question was rhetorical. Reginald had no idea what that meant.

The Dirty Dog was hopping. It was Friday night and half the town was in attendance. The jukebox was playing loud and the booze was flowing. It had been a glorious spring and times were good.

No one paid any attention when the door swung open and Reginald swaggered into the room. Reginald was the village idiot, after a fashion. He was slow in the uptake and held down menial jobs but had no friends to speak of and kept to himself. His personal hygiene left much to be desired.

He walked to the middle of the room and put his hands on his hips, his chest puffed out, chin held high and surveyed the room. It was at that point that conversation began to die down and heads turned.

Alf Anderson grinned and elbowed Stan Bradley in the ribs.

“Hey Reggie, what gives, dude?”

Reginald turned his head slowly in Alf’s direction and cocked an eye.

“Who wants to know?”

Alf looked at Stan. Stan looked at Alf and shrugged.

“I do, dufus, that’s why I asked.”

Reginald ran his fingers through his lank, greasy hair and sniffed. He turned on one heel and headed for the bar.

“My good man, I’ll have a pint of your finest brew.”

The bartender looked him up and down and laughed.

“Reggie, what’s gotten into you man? You been sniffing gasoline fumes again?”

Reginald drew himself up to his full height.

“I have the power Bill. I don’t advise giving me any stick.”

“You have the power? What power?”

Reginald locked eyes with him and leaned across the bar.

“The power, Bill. The power is inside my pants.”

Bill and the patrons on either side of Reginald laughed so loud everyone in the bar was now staring. Reginald was not amused.

“What are you all laughing at, eh? Don’t try me, I’m warning you!”

“And why would that be Reggie?”

“I told you, I have the power.”

“Oh right. In your pants.”

Bill high-fived the guy on Reginald’s left to gales of laughter from the room.

Reginald sniffed and nodded at the bartender.

“You see Bill, it’s like this – every dog has his day.”

“Well woof, woof, Reggie. Can I get you a can of Alpo?”

More raucous laughter from all around the room.

“So Reggie, what are you gonna do with this power?”

“Anything I want, of course.”

“Okay, so like, what for starters?”

Bill winked at Alf and Stan.

Reginald looked around the room and saw Marlene staring at him. He had had a crush on her for as long as he remembered. He turned to Bill.

“Watch and learn Bill.”

He picked up his beer and sauntered over to Marlene.

“Good evening Marlene. How’s it going?”

Marlene blushed and tried to avoid his gaze.

“Um, okay I guess.”

“Well, now it’s gonna be a lot more than okay. This is your lucky night Marlene. You see, I have the power, and the power – “

“Uh, yeah Reggie I heard.”

“Well let me prove it to ya, Marlene.”

Before she could protest he undid his belt and pulled his trousers down with one swift motion. He put his hands on his hips and stood there in his Superman Underoos, a satisfied grin on his face.

“They come in adult sizes now, baby. Feast your eyes.”

Marlene fainted.


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