Penis, Penis, Penis, Beaver?

New story tomorrow, I was in the hospital for some unexpected surgery, but today I want to address a curious phenomenon associated with having a blog. As all of you bloggers know you have access to various information about the activities of those who stumble upon your blog. One such bit of information is what searches people have performed that led them to your blog.

Now then, to the heart of the matter. There are certain search terms and sentences that recur on a regular basis. Most of them appear to be attempts to access a story I’ve written wherein the searcher doesn’t recall the name of the story and is trying to find it by using terms within the title or story that they recall.

However, there are others that come up frequently that have to do with interest in a particular subject. Werewolves and vampires are two that come to mind immediately. Scylla and Charybdis (from Homer’s Odyssey, they are the source of the expression “caught between a rock and a hard place”) are another.

All of that is as nothing compared to the number one search term on my blog. You will have guessed what it is by the title of today’s piece. Yes indeedy, it’s the word penis, or to be more precise, variations on matters having to do with, shall we say, the “qualities” of penises (no, peni is not the plural of penis, you’ve been misled).

To wit:

“World’s largest penis” (Far and away the most common, I get this one at least once a day)
“World’s best penis” (I’m always amazed by this one. Best in what sense?)
“World’s biggest penis” (This is more to the point and probably the information being sought by the “best” askers.)
“World’s greatest penis” (Entirely subjective, no?)

Then we have the more, um, esoteric inquiries:

“Biggest dog penis” (I don’t want to know)
“Biggest horse penis” (I’m afraid I know what that one’s about)

And, for the pièce de résistance, my all time favourite, and the one that moved me to write today’s post:

“Picture of beaver penis”

Now, that one will be with me forever. I just know it.

What is it that causes a significant percentage of the population to go in search of various penis images? Do these people not know where to find porn on the web?

The reason I get people stumbling onto my blog via their penis searches is due to the fact that last year I did a post on the subject of Spermology, which is not what you think, but rather the study of trivia.

I posted a short trivia quiz as part of the post and one of the questions concerned the largest mammal penis in the world. What?

The answer is the Orca, or Killer Whale. I always use photos in my posts and the photo I chose in this instance was of an Orca penis being attended to by a zoologist. Oh my, that sounds vaguely obscene doesn’t it?

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10 responses to “Penis, Penis, Penis, Beaver?

  1. So I guess the way to bring traffic to my site would be to drop the word penis randomly throughout my posts. Of course, I don’t really want that kind of traffic, but, you know, numbers are numbers.

  2. godlessmonkey

    Well, if there were a legitimate reason to use the word then you would. I had one, but unless you actually read the post you wouldn’t know that. Do you have hangups about the word penis? Trust me on this, I don’t need to use gimmicks to up my stats, I average 5,000 hits a day on the strength of my stories. I’ve had nearly one and half million hits on the two blogs in just over a year.

  3. Actually, I think you took my comment the wrong way. I was trying to be funny. I read your article (this one–I apparently missed the older one you were referencing), and I thought it was hilarious, but very true to the way the internet is. I wouldn’t follow your blog if I didn’t like your stories–mostly what I like is your sense of irony, but I suspect you may have just missed mine. And, no, I don’t have any problem with the word penis, either.

  4. godlessmonkey

    Funny you should respond today, I was looking at your comment this morning and realized that’s probably what you meant. That’s the biggest hinderance to communication by email and web, you miss nuance if you’re not fully atuned to it at all times.

  5. And the funny thing is, I really am trying to figure out how to bring more traffic to my blog–but, of course, by better means! You have a lot of traffic because you are prolific and witty and/or ironic, and all your work is in short little bites, most of it quite good. I have so many flash fiction stories running around in my head, but I spend most of my time on novels.

    • godlessmonkey

      Yes, I’m writing a novel too but I spend so much time doing the blog it really cuts into the novel writing. The only way to get more traffic is shameless self promotion.

  6. And how did you happen to learn about the Orca? Via a google?

  7. Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian, iwspo.net

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